By McKensie Allen
Returning to work after pregnancy and infant loss is difficult. You are not the same version of yourself that you were prior to your child(ren) dying. The life you once knew suddenly is unfamiliar. The moment my twins died, I died alongside them. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. To the outside world, I was the same Kensie they knew and recognized. Even though I looked and sounded the same, I was not the same person I was prior to my twins being born — for worse and for better.
Due to the method of birth, I was given six weeks of short term disability (STD) leave from my job. I then had to advocate for myself to get a medical provider to sign off on another six weeks of STD. Although I am one of the lucky ones that works for a company that pays 100% of my compensation during STD, receiving only twelve weeks off felt cruel. The ground beneath my feet just gave way. My whole world shattered. And all I get is twelve measly weeks? It felt like salt added to an already excruciatingly painful wound.
Around week eight of my leave of absence, I remember I went on a walk around Daybreak lake. My grief was extremely heavy that day. I became encompassed in my thoughts and lost my sense of direction. What was meant to be a one hour walk turned into a two and a half hour walk. But I had the time and freedom to think freely. I thought about how I just wanted to get a whole new life. I wanted new doctors, a new dentist, a new haircut, and a new job to name a few. I wanted no one to know what had happened to me. I wanted the liberty of no one knowing I lost my twins unless I told them. Part of me wanted this to save myself from pity, shame, and embarrassment.
I was planning out how I would give my notice to my boss letting him know that I would not be returning after my leave. As I was deep in thought, it came to me that I couldn’t go get a new job. Technically I could, but if I were to go get a new job where my boss didn’t know the loss I had experienced and the grief that comes with that loss, I would be expected to operate at one hundred percent capacity. In reality I would probably only be able to operate between fifty and eighty percent capacity on a good day during the first six months of returning back to work. Getting a new job wasn’t going to “fix” my issues. No matter what job I work at, my twins would still be dead. Motherhood would still not be the way I had hoped and dreamed of. The only difference between the job I currently had and a new one would be the level of compassion and understanding that I would be met with.
Actually returning back to work was extremely painful. It was no longer just a daunting thought, it was now my daunting reality. I had to face and shake hands with a version of myself that I no longer recognized or connected with. It was terrifying and uncomfortable. It still is. My first day back I spent at least eighty percent of my day in tears. Three people out of my team of fourteen reached out to speak to me. For the other eleven individuals met me with radio silence. I felt like a leper. It was like no one wanted to reach out and have an interaction with me because if they did, they would somehow catch my version of leprosy: death, sadness, and grief. It hurt deeply that so many people I love and who knew me before losing my children chose to say nothing instead of saying absolutely anything. They could have simply told me “Hi!” and not said a word about my children. But they didn’t.
Loss changes everything you once knew. As you are navigating through your new “normal,” know that if you find yourself contemplating whether or not to return to your job prior to your loss, you are not alone. Unfortunately in the child loss community, it is common for parents to quit the job they had prior to losing their child(ren). There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to returning back to work after pregnancy and infant loss. I would encourage everyone who is facing the profound loss of a child to take the maximum time off that their employer offers them. Take the time to be with your grief. Don’t run from it. Don’t try to mask it. Just be with it.
There will never be enough time off from work and real life before you feel “ready” to return to real life activities. I am sorry for that. As one that is experiencing this first hand, I can attest that you will never feel ready. Your whole world stopped when your child(ren) died while everyone else kept moving on. Returning back to work felt to me like I was being forced to move forward and being drug away from a moment in time that I wanted so badly to be at again. Not to relieve my babies dying, but to be able to hold them again and to never let them go.
It is valid to feel big emotions such as fear, anxiety, and sadness as you approach returning back to work. My advice is to directly communicate with your manager(s) about your needs. Grief is now your companion and it will affect the duties of your job. It is normal to feel fatigued and to cry throughout each day. To hopefully avoid the isolation you may feel with co-workers, work with your manager(s) on a form of communication to advise your co-workers where you are in your loss and grief journey. This could be an email communication or a meeting via zoom or in person. Communicate in the way that you are most comfortable with and cause you the least amount of stress. There will be times you will need a “grief” day. Take them.
The sad reality is there is no finish line to cross when it comes to your grief. Instead, grief is merely a journey of survival. Time doesn’t heal grief. Your grief will instead change over time. Twenty years from now your grief won’t be the same as it is today, but nonetheless it will still be with you. Work may become a welcomed distraction from your grief. That is okay! Just don’t forget to honor yourself and your feelings with where you are at in your grief journey. Remember that returning to work after loss is one of the first steps a grieving person takes in acclimating themselves back into the world. You may feel a lack of joy and hope as you prepare to take this step. You are not alone. It may feel like you are moving on with your life and forgetting your child(ren) you have lost. You aren’t. Instead you are moving forward in life with your child(ren)’s soul(s) being intertwined with your own.