My husband Verle and I decided after we got married that we didn’t want to wait too long to try to have children and have our family grow. But things didn’t go as planned and hoped for. We tried for seven years with various fertility treatments but nothing worked and they didn’t know why. We finally had to decide between IVF and adoption, both with pros and cons. We chose to become foster adoptive parents to help other families along our journey to parenting and soon had a family of five siblings to care for. We stopped actively doing fertility treatments and focused on the children in our home. They were with us for almost two years and during that time I spontaneously got pregnant!!! We were shocked and excited and began to hope and dream for him/her! Unfortunately, we miscarried our sweet baby and were obviously devastated. The other kiddos needed us and kept us going but we didn’t understand what happened or why, as so many can relate to. I also felt a lot of new hope though that I had finally gotten pregnant! My body could do it!!! It took 18 months to happen again, but it did! I was scared but hopeful! Ok, petrified!
During that time our foster kids were adopted by relatives and that was a hard loss for us as well. Two more kiddos came to live with us though and made the transition a little easier. We were able to plan to adopt them and when we told them at Christmas about the baby who would join us at the time of their adoption, they were really excited with us! As we got into the 2nd trimester, we relaxed – a little – and planned more for our family to expand. Both the adoption and baby were exciting additions to our family!
At 17 1/2 weeks my water broke and the doctor confirmed that our baby was still alive with a good heartbeat but that without the fluid and little hope of that building back up, there wasn’t hope of survival. We just couldn’t give up on our baby while she was still alive, and we chose bed rest and prayer. However, three days later at 18 weeks, I went into labor, and when we got to the hospital there was no longer a heartbeat and our sweet perfect baby girl Allie was born. We loved meeting her and holding her and kissing her and feeling we were truly parents. We also absolutely hated saying goodbye and couldn’t believe what had happened. We didn’t know how much worse it could be than losing our first had been. Compound grief is real.
Multiple losses were of course devastating for the whole family. I felt broken but had to keep going for my kiddos. We looked forward to their adoption, and it was an amazing miracle to take them on vacation to celebrate afterwards and tell them that we were pregnant again and due just a couple of weeks before Allie’s 1st birthday! They were so excited and we were too but more scared than I can put into words. To go from unexplained infertility to multiple pregnancy losses was a nightmare to say the least. But the pregnancy progressed well and our miracle rainbow was born healthy and strong and we knew his angel siblings sent him to us. Xander is a light and joy and a truly special boy. I told him how he saved his mom and helped heal my heart, and he still helps me 13 years later!
Following his birth we had two more miscarriages and my heart broke in more pieces each time. Even the early chemical pregnancy came with heartache. Our second rainbow was a blessing and miracle too and Ammon has added much joy and laughter – and exhaustion – to our lives! We thought our family was complete at this point, but God had other plans and the nagging thoughts wouldn’t go away so we decided to try for the baby girl we’d dreamt of. This long story ends with two more miscarriages within six months of each other and a shattered heart and body and mind. And oh so many tears. I was done. I couldn’t try again. For as short as we had each of our angels with us, they changed me profoundly and I’m eternally grateful I’m their mom. I can’t wait to know them one day. My heart will recognize them, no doubt.
I truly don’t understand the rollercoaster of my journey of getting my family (so many why’s and what if’s and not fair’s) but I’ve always felt grateful for each of my children and what they have added to my life and our family. Love is the greatest gift they’ve each given me.
We decided to name each of our babies, and they’re our “A”ngels… Aaron, Allie, Avery, Angela, and Annalee 
Serving in Share helps me feel closer to them and be part of a community that loves them with me! I’m so grateful and blessed!
