Grief is a deeply personal, often overwhelming experience that touches every part of our lives—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Whether you’re grieving the loss of a child, a loved one, a relationship, or even a life you imagined, it’s important to know that what you’re feeling is valid. Grief doesn’t follow a neat, linear path—and it never looks the same from person to person.
One helpful way to begin understanding your grief is by learning about the stages of loss. These stages, first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, are not steps to be completed in order, but rather emotional touchpoints many people encounter in their own unique grief journey. Knowing these stages can help normalize your experiences and offer a gentle framework for healing.
1. Denial: A Protective Response
Denial often comes first. It’s the mind’s way of cushioning the immediate blow of loss. You may feel numb, in shock, or as though the loss hasn’t really happened. This stage helps you pace your grief, giving you time to absorb reality slowly.
“This can’t be real.”
“There must be some mistake.”
While denial may feel confusing, it’s a natural defense mechanism and often the mind’s way of protecting your heart until you’re more ready to feel the full impact of the loss.
2. Anger: The Need for Direction
Anger can surface when the reality of the loss begins to sink in. It may be directed at yourself, others, the person who died, medical professionals, or even at a higher power.
“Why did this happen to me?”
“It’s not fair.”
This anger is not something to be ashamed of—it’s a sign of the deep love and pain you’re carrying. It’s a powerful emotion that can help propel you forward when you feel stuck.
3. Bargaining: Searching for Control
In this stage, your mind may race with “what if” or “if only” statements. Bargaining is the attempt to make sense of the pain and, in some cases, to undo it.
“If only I had done something differently…”
“Maybe if I’m a better person, this pain will go away.”
Bargaining is rooted in the hope that somehow the outcome could change. It’s often accompanied by guilt, and while painful, it’s a normal response to helplessness.
4. Depression: The Weight of Loss
Depression in grief isn’t a mental illness—it’s a natural response to loss. It’s the deep sadness that comes when you begin to understand the full scope of what’s gone. This stage can bring withdrawal, fatigue, and overwhelming sorrow.
“What’s the point anymore?”
“I just want to be alone.”
This stage can feel never-ending, but with support and patience, healing begins to take root even here. It’s okay to sit with this sadness—it often needs to be felt in order to move through it.
5. Acceptance: A New Reality
Acceptance doesn’t mean being “okay” with the loss or forgetting what happened. Instead, it means coming to terms with the reality that life is forever changed. It’s the stage where you begin to find ways to live with the loss, make meaning from it, and even reconnect with life.
“I’m learning to live with this.”
“I still miss them, but I’m finding moments of peace again.”
Acceptance allows space for both grief and growth. It opens the door to honoring the loss while continuing to live.
Grief Isn’t Linear
It’s important to remember that these stages aren’t a checklist. You may move back and forth between them—or feel many of them at once. You might skip some altogether. There’s no right way to grieve, and no timeline for how long it “should” take.
Holding Space for Yourself and Others
Grief can feel isolating, but you are not alone. Whether you find comfort in quiet reflection, therapy, support groups, faith, art, or simply talking with someone who understands, there is no wrong way to grieve.
If you’re supporting someone who is grieving, simply listening without trying to fix their pain can be the most powerful gift.
In Closing
Grief is a reflection of love. It is raw, messy, and real—but it’s also a path toward healing, meaning, and even transformation. Understanding the stages of grief doesn’t take away the pain, but it can help you make sense of it—and remind you that what you’re feeling is part of the natural, human process of loss and love.
You are not broken. You are grieving.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
If you or someone you know is grieving the loss of a child or pregnancy, organizations like Share Parents of Utah offer compassionate, peer-based support and resources to walk beside you in your healing journey.